###[ Rock ]
Good morning, Tom.
[ Woman Narrating ] Twelve is our number.
It's the number of games my husband Tom coaches at Lincoln College every season.
It's the number of times we zero out our bank account each year to make ends meet.
And it's the number ofkids we try to keep track of.
- [ Sighs ] - Hey. Good run?
Oh, yeah. [ Groans ]
You need a paramedic?
No,just a pair of knees. You finish?
Still proofing, but I'm sending it to Diane today.
Look at this. New, clean cover...
no peanut butter stains... yet.
- Hey, baby? - Baby?
You know, on the run, you know what I was thinking?
What?
Well, we've been married, what, five years?
- Twenty-three. - [ Groans ] Twenty-three. Sorry.
And I think we could use a little change around here...
like-like this lumpy old mattress.
- Maybe we should just, you know, get rid of it. - [ Giggling ]
Don't be ridiculous, honey. You know you can just pound the lumps out of a mattress.
What-What do you mean? You can just pound the lumps out of a mattress?
Yeah,just randomly start swatting away.
- And it goes flat? - Yes, yes.
Just start-- You just randomly start swatting--
[ Shouting, Laughing ]
Careful.
- I got a dog on me! - [ Woman Narrating ] Twelve's an insane number ofkids...
but having a small family was never an option for us.
See, Tom loved growing up with seven brothers and sisters.
And after my sister died, I spent most of my time...
wishing I had seven brothers and sisters.
Tom and I met at Illinois Polytechnic University.
He was a senior dreaming ofbecoming the head football coach there.
I was a freshman dreaming ofbecoming a sports reporter.
He wanted eight kids, I wanted eight kids. Bam.
An hour after I met him, I knew he was the one.
Wejust had family at the wedding.
Oh, and Shake Maguire, Tom's best man.
What a hot dog.
Ayear later, we had our first-- Nora.
I loved taking her to work with me.
After Charlie and Lorraine were born, we realized our dream ofliving in the city...
- and having eight kids and two careers wasn't gonna work. - [ Baby Crying ]
As much as we wanted our big careers, we wanted our big family more.
So Tom settled for a Division III coaching job at Lincoln...
I quit writing for the Tribune, and we moved to the country.
Tom and I got busy when we moved to Midland.
We had Henry, Sarah,Jake and Mark in consecutive years.
Then we went for magic number eight, and instead...
we got the first set of fraternal twins--Jessica and Kim.
- Nine kids. - Come on, you guys. Come on.
Wave! Hi!
[ Cheering ]
With each child, Tom and I got further from our big career dreams.
But we didn't think about that.
- [ Whistle Blowing ] - [ Yelling ] Yeah!
Oh. Sorry, Coach.
We had our hands full with nine. We were happy, and we were done.
Then we went to a party celebrating Shake Maguire's appointment...
to athletic director at our alma mater.
And, well, too many beers and nine months later, we had Mike.
After that, Tom got a vasectomy.
But he didn't hear the doctor say that it would be a few weeks...
before the procedure became effective.
In '98, Nigel and Kyle got us to that crazy number 1 2.
But by then, Tom and I were experts at managing chaos.
- [ Karate Yells ] - Let's move, gang. Come on, come on, come on!
- Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo! - Charlie missed his curfew again last night. Take care of that.
Hey.
You can only put on so much lip gloss, princess!
- [ Sighs ] You blew my concentration! - [ Tom ] Temper, Sarah.
Now I get to start all over again.
- Wrap it up, Lorraine! - [ Lorraine ] Okay, Daddy.!
- [ Yelling, Grunting ] - Have you seen my frog, Dad?
Sorry, Charlie. Uh, Nigel. Kyle.
- It's Mark. - I knew that.
Hey, teenager. You got caught on Mom radar last night.
You're not gonna get that scholarship if you're out late with Beth...
the night before a big game.
Well, I'm not so sure I even want to go to college.
Since when?
Since Beth's mom offered me a job at the auto shop.
Hmm. Sounds exciting.
Well, we'll talk about that after you get your full ride.
And, meanwhile, in by 1 0:00 on school nights. Clear?
- Got it. - Anything else you wanna talk about?
Did I mention I don't like you very much?
- Yeah, you mentioned that. - Then I'm good.
- Okay, me too. - [ Chuckles ]
Dude, two words: need new skates.
Dude, three words: paper route.
''Hi. Can't make dinner. Hank and I are moving into our new apartment.
Love, Nora.''
- Have you seen Beans, Mom? - Mm-mm.
- [ Nigel ] Here you go, Gunner. - [ Kyle ] You hungry, boy?
###[ Woman Singing ]
Here you go, Gunner. Are you hungry?
Look, I am totally aware that this family doesn't value...
self-presentation in the same obsessive way that I do.
Fine. Whatever. But one of my life goals...
aside from being, like, a fashion guru...
is to indicate to the local community that...
the Baker family actually owns a bar of soap.
So, as self-appointed in-house rep of style and hygiene...
I think I should be allotted at least five extra minutes in front of the mirror.
- Three. - Done.
Now help your sister butter the toast.
Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted.
So you're going today. Henry, you have band practice, all right?
I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with food in your mouth again.
Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request...
that you do not correct her in front of the class.
Mike,you have show-and-tell today. And, please, honey...
remember that body parts do not count.
Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist's appointment at 3:00. You're goin' to work with Dad.
[ Together] Yeah!
- [ Both Yelling ] - [ Yelling ]
- And we're shooting our Christmas card today. - [ Sighs ]
- What time's Nora coming over? - Uh, she may not make it.
She hardly ever comes home since she started dating that doorknob.
- He's not a doorknob. - The man irons his jeans, Mom.
- Yeah, that's weird. - [ Tom ] Never mind.
I'll shoot it without her. I'll Photoshop her in.
Honey, could you take 1 0 pounds off me with that Photoshop thing?
- Can I be Photoshopped in? - Wait. If Sarah's bein' Photoshopped in...
- then I'm definitely gonna get Photoshopped in. - Why don't we all be--
Nobody gets Photoshopped in but Nora. Everybody be here by 4:00.
Why do we always do our Christmas cards in May anyway?
Because the earlier we get it done, the bigger discount we get at the printer.
- Now, let's eat.! - [ All Chattering ]
Here you go. Look alive.
[ Chattering Continues ]
[ Croaks ]
No, Mark!
[ Girls Screaming ]
Get him!
[ All Shouting ]
- [ Tom ] Come on.! Get him, Charlie.! - He's headed for the waffles.!
- I got him, Charlie.! I got him.! - Come to Daddy.! Come on.!
Mike, stick!
- Mark, net! - I got the door covered!
I got the net! [ Yells ]
- Whoa! - Ooh!
[ Croaking ]
[ Yelling ]
[ Cheering, Shouting ]
[ Gunner Barking ]
[ Mike ] Uh-oh. Busted.
Put Beans in his cage...
now.
[ All Gasping ]
Is everything broken?
Teacup with the flower on it broken?
Nice move, FedEx.
[ Kate ] Okay, here we go, everyone. School. Let's go.
Hey.
Much cooler.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Henry, here you go. - Thanks, Mom.
For the record, I am so over Nora's hand-me-downs.
All right, well, you look gorgeous in anything, Lorraine.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's goin' on? What's wrong with you, mister?
Everybody says the FedEx guy dropped me off...
'cause I don't fit in with this family.
You fit. You fit right here.
- Like that. - [ Kyle ] I called shotgun.!
- No, I did! - I did!
- [ Kate ] All right, that's it.!
Hey, you two, knock it off!.
Mom's losing it! I'm losing it!
All right. All right. Come on. Break it up. Break it up.
Here we go. Are you okay? I'll give you candy.
- Nigel, Kyle, chill or be chilled. - Sure. Listen to him.
Mark? Oh.
[ Sighs ]
- So Nora's not coming? - [ Groans ] Well, not exactly. Here.
That is so Nora. We tell 'em they can't sleep together...
when they visit, so she moves in with him.
Honey, she's just trying to have her own life.
- She's too young to have her own life. - She's 22.
The same age I was when I was pregnant with her.
Five minutes ago, she was sitting on my shoulders...
pointing at cows in Munger's Field.
- And then you blinked. - Yeah.
- Enough with the blinking. No more blinking. - All right.
You were checking me out, weren't you?
Yes, I was. You got a problem with that?
Twelve kids later, and we still got the heat.
Whoo!
###[ Rap ]
[ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Nigel, Kyle Together ] Come on.! Hit it.!
Faster, faster, faster.!
- Is that as fast as you can go? - Is that all you got?
Pump 'em high! Pump 'em high! Let's go!
- Pump it up! - That's good! That's good!
That's what I'm talkin' about. Way to go, Marcus.
- [ Kyle ] Way to go, boys.! - [ Nigel ] Nice passes.
- Right here. - Nice job!
Man, you're gettin' old and ugly.
Shake.
Hey.
Hey, what are you doin' here?
What, are you still too busy bein' the pansy house-husband to read the newspapers?
That coach was 5-3.
That's doesn't cut it. I'm trying to grow a program.
Hey, guys. Remember Shake? We played college ball together.
Yeah, the hot dog.
Mom said it first.
We're having adult time here, boys.
No idea what that means.
Well, it's this crazy thing where grown-ups...
actually get to have a conversation without being interrupted by kids.
- Sounds wicked boring. - [ Shake ] It is.
So why don't you run along?
Mom's right. He is a wiener.
Sorry about that. Kate likes you. It's just that,you know...
she had to have the biggest stud on the team.
So she, uh, chose the third-string receiver...
and got all this.
Yeah.
So, are you gonna tell me why you're here?
Lincoln's a winning machine.
You think you can make our old team a champion again?
- You mean coach? - Coach.
- [ Door Closes ] - Tom, what is it? Just tell me.
-Just-- - Okay. Wait.
- [ Washer, Dryer Rumbling ] - Dad's covering with the machines.
- To the chute! - Go, go, go!
My, this is big.
Shake Maguire wants me to coach the Stallions.
- Get out! - He offered me...
a fat five-year contract, housing allowance, moving expenses.
Kate, we can finally get new furniture. We can get a new car.
And get this. University employees can send their kids to school for free.
Wow.
Oh. I don't know, honey. A Division I coaching job...
that's a lot of pressure and a lot more hours.
Yeah, but with all the kids in school next year, we could handle more job pressure.
Yeah, but, honey, Midland is our home. I mean, the kids' lives are here.
Midland has been great for raising our kids...
but I never expected 'em to sacrifice the way that I did.
You loved your childhood.
Yeah.
Except for this part-- the raggedy, hand-me-down part.
The Stallions head coach.
It's your dream job, isn't it, honey?
I want this one, Kate.
Let's talk to the kids.
How do you think they'll handle it?
- [ All Grunting ] - We're gonna move!
[ Yelling ]
Okay, everybody, you know the drill.
On ''three,'' you give me a big ''cheese.''
[ Horse Whinnies ]
Jake, do you have to wear black?
Black works, Mom.Jesus, like, has his funeral on Christmas.
- He died on Easter, Barbie. - Whatever.
He was resurrected on Easter, moron.
- Be quiet. - Don't touch me.!
- [ All Arguing ] - Hey, hey, hey! What's all the fighting about?
Exactly when did you plan on telling us about moving?
- I'm not moving! - Yeah, because I'm not moving, all right?
- [ Voices Overlapping ] - [ Gunner Barking ]
- I'm not moving. - Charlie, Evanston is only four hours away.
- Beth can come and visit. - This isn't just about Beth, Mom.
- My whole life is here at Midland. - [ Telephone Ringing ]
- Hello? - Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Nora. You're on speaker. - Hi, everybody.
Hank says hi too. So, you guys are thinking about moving up here?
Yeah. You got room in that new apartment for your big old family?
Just big enough for two, Dad. How's your book going, Mom?
Actually, I just sent it to a friend who's in publishing, so we'll see.
- Could we stay on subject, please? - Beans's mother's buried here.
I'm not splitting them up. They're family.
We can build a fancy new memorial to Pork in our new yard.
- Yeah, like we could afford that. - Actually, we can.
I'll be making enough money to do that, get you out of hand-me-downs...
getJake those new skates, and get that new car we've been saving for.
- But I have friends here! - Honey, you'll keep in touch. And you can make new friends.
[ Voices Overlapping ]
Quiet!
Now, look, I know you're all scared.
Moving is a big deal. We're very comfortable here. I get that.
And that's why I turned down a lot of other coaching offers through the years.
But this is a job I wanted since we left Chicago.
And, in fact, it's more than a job to me.
Um, this is my team...
and it's my colors and it's, um...
the Stallions.
And they're finally calling my number.
And I want you to take this risk with me, because if you do...
I promise you, we will be...
a happier and stronger family.
- You promise? - I promise.
- I would feel happier and stronger if we vote on it. - Yeah, definitely.
- [ Voices Overlapping ] - [ Charlie ] We should vote.
That's the only way to make it fair. It's the only way to do it.
All right, we can vote.
But in the end, your mother and I are gonna do what we think is best for the family.
- What's the point of even voting? - I'm out.
- Let's get out of here. It's not even worth it. - Come on, guys.
[ Nora On Speakerphone ] Hello? Still here.
All right, eight noes...
three yes's and three maybes.
Not exactly a mandate.
Give me a pen. I'm gonna change some of these.
Here we go.
- What? - ''What''?
Let's review, shall we?
Here we go.
''I'm so glad I found someone whose dreams are as big as mine.
I love you. Kate.''
I always loved the way you go for things, Tom.
Pedal to the metal, full-on, all of it or none of it.
So we're doing this.
We're gonna do this.
We're doing it.
Yeah. And by the time we move, the kids'll get used to the idea.
Say good-bye to your mother, Beans.
[ Tom ] Gunner, to the car.!
- [ Growling ] - Come on!
I'm you. Gunner, to the car!
- I'm Gunner. Gunner, to the car! - [ Whimpers ]
Hey, Charlie. Do me a favor and drive the Cutlass?
Thanks for ruining my life.
[ Nigel ] I don't wanna move.!
- You know what? Everybody's going with us. - [ Both Yelling ]
We're taking all your toys. Okay.
Well, whoever said expressing emotion is a good thing, I'd like to see.
###[ Rock ]
[ Tom ] Hey, this is our street.
## [ Rap On Car Stereo ]
Are you sure we're gonna fit in here, Dad?
You'll have friends here in no time, guys.
[ Tom ] Here we are. We are here. Everybody out.
I want everybody out.
- [ Barking ] - Hey, slow down there, Gunner!
- Wait up! - Hey, Kyle, check this place out!
- Cool! - [ Chattering Continues ]
[ Tom ] There it is-- a 1 920s classic.
[ Sarah ] What, did the Munsters give you a good price?
All right, the twins share, but everybody else gets their own room.
- Now, go kill each other for the best one! - That's great.
Hey, Charlie.
You're gonna need a car to visit Beth. The Olds is yours now.
You trying to bribe me?
Is it working?
Little bit.
Come on.
Welcome home, Kate.
- It's gonna be great, Tom. - Mmm.
Jessica, come here.! Check this out.!
- [Jake ] This room is huge.! - Can I see this one?
Whoa-ho! Back it up, FedEx.
If anyone gets the room across from me, it's Charlie.
- And are you Charlie? No. - [ Kim ] Dude, I call this room.
- Nobody else gets it, okay? - [Jessica ] Look at the view from here.!
- It's spectacular.! - [ Mike ] Can I share with you?
Oh, God. They're fast-food people.
- [ Doorbell Rings ] - [ Man ] Hello?
People are here!
- Hi. - Hi. I'm Tina Shenk.
This is my husband Bill and our son Dylan.
- How do you do? - We, uh, live across the street.
- Thank you. This is lovely. I'm Kate. This is Tom. - Hi.
- We're the Bakers. - Oh!
- Gunner! Gunner! - I am so sorry.
- Sorry. - Are you hiding a cheeseburger anywhere on your person?
- I-I don't eat meat. - [ Gunner Growling ]
-Jake? - Dude! Two words: manners.
- What's up? Wanna help me unpack? - Sure.
- Put your sweater on, sweetie. - He's inside, dear.
Don't start, okay?
[ Sighs ]
So, uh, is Jake your only child?
No. We have 1 2.
I couldn't keep her off me.
- Heads up! - Oh!
- Little less wrist, Mike. - Got it.
- Game on.! - Uh, they're playing hockey in the house?
Well, if the game gets bigger than three-on-three, then they have to take it outside.
Uh, Dylan doesn't really care for rough play.
Uh, you're gonna wanna stop now, dude.
- [ Yells ] - [ Tina Screaming ] Oh, my God!
- Hang on, buddy! - A little help here!
- I got him! I got him! - Save my baby!
Don't worry, Dylan. I swing from the chandelier all the time.
- Cool! - All right.
Aah! I got him! I-- Oh! I don't got him!
- Oh, my God! - [ Yelling ]
So, Dylan, know any good restaurants?
[ Kate ] I've got you, Dylan.! Don't worry, honey.!
- [Jake ] Whoa.! - You can let go, Dylan. I think she's got you.
- Spin him this way so I can-- - [ Tina ] Oh, my God.!
- Oh, sweetie, are you all right? - I'm fine, Mom.
- Oh, dear. - You know, for the entire minute and a half we lived here...
I really hated that chandelier.
- [ Chuckles ] - Here we go.
Okay. We, uh-- We better go. It's time for your chess lesson.
I don't have a chess lesson, Mom.
Well, then, you need to practice for your chess lesson.
Come over anytime, dude.
Uh, we'll, uh, we'll call, schedule a play date.
No need. Just come by anytime.
Oh, no, we'll call.
- You're all invited to my birthday. - Oh-ho. That'll be fun.
Hey, Charlie, come on down and help me with this, okay?
[ Kate ] Careful, honey. There's glass everywhere.
[ Cell Phone Ringing ]
- I got it, Mom. - Okay, well, I'll help you.
- Hey, Shake, what's up? - You okay?
Really?
Okay, well, I'll see you there.
Hey! Hey, guess what? Fox Sports wants to interview me on TV!
- Okay, well, we got this. - Dad's gotta earn a living!
Twelve kids. That's the throwback.
Irresponsible is what is is.
How come we didn't have more kids?
Because we wanted one perfect child...
and that's what we got.
[ Croaking ]
[ Yelling ]
Cool.
[ Tom ] Honey, I'm gonna be home late tonight. I got another press conference.
Come on. Whatever happened to that stud...
who sat across from me at dinner every night?
He got his dream job, remember?
[ Door Closes ]
[ Yelling ]
- Good-bye, Dad. - See ya, buddy.
Tell the masseuse I'm running about 1 5 minutes late.
- Day 1 4 on the alien planet. - [ Henry ] Where you goin'?
To sign up for football. And, no, you can't come.
[ Sarah ] Could this place be any more boring?
- There's, like, nothing to do around here. - I could give you a makeover.
All righty, then.
[ Chattering ]
Hi. I'm Charlie Baker.
Oh, yeah, Tom Baker's boy.
Read where his old buddy Shake threw him a bone.
[ Man ] Offense or defense?
I'm a quarterback.
Yeah, well, maybe in Cowpie, Illinois.
This is 4-A, Skippy. The bigs.
Put him on defense. Cornerback.
By the way, when you show up for practice, don't be wearing that hat.
Okay, uh, let's see. Who's next? Yes?
It's been reported that you like to blast music in your locker room. Why?
Uh, well, it loosens up the players...
and, uh, gets 'em psyched.
Unless, of course, I start dancing. Then they just get nauseous.
[ Reporters Chuckling ]
At least we get to see him on TV.
[ Reporter ] Coach, how do you manage a family of 1 2...
and a football team?
Well, I've got a great team here...
and a solid support system at home.
- Go to bed, kids. - Okay, you heard the coach.
- Off to bed. Here we go. - [ Gunner Groaning ]
In Midland, we were a family. Now we're a support system?
- A family is a support system, Butch. - [ Groans ]
[ Ringing ]
Hello? Who's this?
- Somebody from something something. - Okay. Shh.
Hello? Yeah, hi, Diane.
This is business. Salmons and pinks are so homemaker.
All right, focus on your navies and your grays.
Navy is muscle, gray is smarts. Choose either, and you'll rule the boardroom.
- What's going on? - Guess what?
Diane Phillips called. My book's getting published.
Did I tell you we're gonna have it all?
- You've never said that. - I'm tellin' you now, baby! Whoo!
- Oh-oh. - Oh!
- Oh.! Whoa.! - Mmm.!
Ooh!
Oh, my God! Can you guys just please wait till I leave the room?
Can you hurry?
[ Shudders ]
- All right, there's one thing. - What?
They asked me to go to New York for a few days.
- Oh. - ''Oh''?
That was a good ''oh,'' as in ''okay.''
Yes, it's not the best timing in the world.
- But you're going to New York. I can handle this. - You'll manage.
Yeah.
Well, you haven't been home much, Tom, since we moved here.
And you're gonna have to, you know, shop for school supplies...
get 'em dressed and-and bathed so they're clean...
- and put 'em to bed at night, walk Gunner-- - Been there. Done all that.
- You're considering this? - I'm not considering it.
You're going. Nora can help me out around the house.
New York. Wow.
Yeah. Wow.
It totally sucks. I miss you too...
but, I mean, I gotta get a job.
Hi, Lorraine.
Okay, I'll try and be there, honey.
Hi, Kimmy. Yeah, I-I know I haven't been very friendly recently.
They are pulling me in again!
-Just tell 'em you can't do it. - Can you guys hold on a second?
That's easy for you to say. You're an only child.
It might be fun to babysit together.
No! Whoa, no!
No. You know what happened last time we visited.
- They were welcoming you into the family. - They set me on fire!
Just your pants.
Honey, I am an actor, okay? And, sure, last time it was just my pants.
But what if next time it's my face?
This is the moneymaker. I'm not that good of an actor.
This is how I get the jobs. I know that.
I'm man enough to admit it.
Please?
- Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like that! - Please, please, please, please?
You always do that to me. Fine, fine. You know what? We'll go.
But I'll tell you what. One thing happens, and I'm gone.
And no fires. And we sleep in the same room.
Kimmy, put Dad on.
She says she'll help us out if they can stay in the same room.
No. No way.
No, she knows the rules. She wants to have her own room when she's here.
Isn't that sweet? No.
Okay, look, why don't you just come over on Sunday, and we'll talk logistics.
- All right. Bye. - Tell me Doorknob Man isn't babysitting too.
Yes, he very well might be, young lady.
And do not set his pants on fire again.
- [ Kate ] Yes. - Classic.
It was just his pants.
Is anybody besides me thinking our happier and stronger life...
was actually code for ''nastier and suckier''?
First, Dad forces us to move.
Then Mom decides to become a career person and, like, travel the globe.
Now we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor?
- And he hates kids too. - Ow!
Nora's blind to his evil. We have no choice but to intervene.
We've got 48 hours. Let's work a plan.
[ All Whispering ]
All right, Appleschmear season is offiicially open.!
[ All Cheering ]
The president of the United States, Sarah Baker...
will throw out the first apple.
- [ Yells ] - [ Barking ]
Come on. Bring on the chin music, baby. Let's go. Let's go.
Let's go. Oh,yes.!
Ho, it's an apple! And now it's sauce.
And that's a beauty! Mmm! Mmm!
- Whoa! - [ Cheering Continues ]
Appleschmear. It's the game my Great-Grandma Gilbreth invented.
- [ Bat Striking Apple ] - Neat.
Time out. Nora's here.
[ All Cheering ]
- Nora! Nora! - No! No, no, no, no!
Kids, please do not touch the LeBaron.Just had it detailed.
Hey, whoa, Tom. Tom, can we please, uh...
ask the kids to respect the perimeter around the LeBaron?
Hey, hey, respect the perimeter, kids. Come on. Respect--
Back up. Back up. Nora. Nora, welcome.
- Come on. - It's a luxury automobile, kids.
- Not your daddy's Oldsmobile. - This is for you. Congratulations.
- Come on. - I wanna hear all about it.
- It's very fancy. - Now, about the babysitting.
Battle stations.
Heads up, Hank!
Yo, Hank.!
[ Yells ]
[ Kyle Giggles ]
Phase one complete.
Sorry about your clothes, Hank. We'll have 'em dry in no time.
[ Mocking Jessica ] ''Sorry about your clothes, Hank. We'll have 'em dry in no time.''
What is with the staring? Just stop looking at me.
Chopsticks.
Open meat bucket.
Oh!
Begin underwear soaking.
So, um, how's the acting career going, Hank?
If it was goin' any better, there'd have to be two of me.
Yeah, we saw you in the commercial with the gargling-- the mouthwash ad.
You know, the remarkable thing about my career is...
I only started acting, uh, a month ago...
and, uh, I'm already on TV.
It's the real deal. The career is white hot, Tom. It's on fire.
I read that most actors end up in the food service industry.
That's not gonna happen to Hank, Kim.
[ Hank ] Candidly, I, uh, think Nora's right.
It's really-- It's gettin' so as I can hardly go out in public anymore.
I mean, really, with--between the autograph hounds and the paparazzis--
Autographs and everything? I mean,just the one commercial...
and you have paparazzi?
Yeah. I've-I've actually-- I've never actually seen them...
but, you know, they hide in the bush and they get their shot.
The crazy thing is that now we're trying to sit at home like regularjoes--
Yeah, well, honey, it's-- And we're watching TV, right?
And, boom, comes on a commercial, and, bam, there's me.
It's, like, you expect to see yourself in the mirror...
you know, and you expect to be lookin' at the handsome devil...
but not on-- not on the TV like it is.
It's, like, bam.! Bam.! You turn the channel. You're tryin'to...
you know, get it out, and it's--itjust keeps poppin'up.
It's like I can run from me, but I can't hide from me.
What a nightmare!
Yeah.
Nora, honey, you wanna help me in the kitchen?
Nora, stop! Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Wanna help me in the kitchen? Get a pie, look at a picture of Grandma, say the rosary?
- Come on, kids. Here we go. Everybody out. - I'll be back.
Tommy. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
- [ Whines ] - Gunner!
[ Barking ]
- Save it, boy. - [ Whining ]
- Hey! - Hey.
There you go. You look as good as new.
- Yeah. Not as good as you, chief. - Yeah, anywhere.
[ Whining ]
- How sweet. - You know what you want?
Kate, is this-- is this orange juice freshly squeezed?
Nora and I are on a bit of an organic diet...
and we're only goin' with the organic freshly squeezed...
and it tastes a bit like Tropicana.
[ Chuckles ] He's a winner.
- [ All Straining ] - Gunner, no!
Release the hound.
All right, charge!
You guys poppin' out another one any time soon?
Just... curiosity.
[ Gunner Grunting ]
[ Groans ]
- [ Grunting, Groaning ] - Gunner!
- Gunner!
It's Gunner.
Honey, he's-- he's really digging in.
Sorry, babe. Gunner, stop! Sit-Sit down!
- [ Hank ] He's attacking.! - Stop it, Gunner.
- [ Growling ] - [ Yells ]
- Oh, my. Well, he's hungry. - Stop it, Gunner.!
[ Yelling ]
- Gunner! - [ Screaming ]
Get him off!. Get him off!.
[ All Laughing ]
[ Laughing Stops ]
[ Barking ]
[ Yells ]
Nora! Nora, we didn't want you to go.
Look, let's just get something clear.
Even though you guys live near me now, I have my own life.
It's mine. Not ours-- mine.
Nora.! Would you please get in the LeBaron?
- I beg of you.! - My loyalty is to Hank now...
and that's the way it's gonna be.
In the living room, now!
Let's go!
[ Barking ]
Your neighborhood canines have completely ruined the LeBaron's paint job.
I'm sure my family will pay to repaint it.
Good, 'cause I'm sure payin' for your family.
- What's that supposed to mean? - I think you know what it means.
You soaked his underwear in meat.
That is so wrong.
Funny, but wrong.
Now, who was the mastermind...
in the meat-soaking plot against Hank?
You were the masterminds?
Step back, please.
[ Making Beeping Noises ]
[ Beeping Intensifies ]
[ Beeping Slows ]
[ Beeping Intensifies ]
You have a dark gift, Sarah Baker.
But it's going to cost everyone a month's allowance.
- [ All Protesting ] - Do you wanna make it two?
Now, when your mother leaves tomorrow...
I'm gonna need everyone to pull their own weight.
Now, go upstairs and go to your rooms!
Soaking his underwear in meat?
I mean, how do they come up with that?
If I could just harness that ingenuity and channel it into something constructive.
Yeah, like getting somebody to help you out while I'm gone.
I can handle it, even without the better half of the tag team.
I know, honey. I'm just worried. I've never left the kids--
- Honey, it's three days! - I know.
I'm just-- I'm gonna miss 'em.
Okay, I froze some dinners. And make sure they get to school on time.
It's their first day, so you know how nervous they're gonna be, all right?
And, kids, don't worry. Mom can be back from New York in two hours if something happens.
Really, it's only one hour with the time difference.
All right, I hugged everybody. I love you all. One more hug, and you guys pass it on.
All right? All right, thank you, sweetheart.
- I love you. - I love you too.
- Okay. All right. Do I have everything? - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
All right.
- Bye, Mom. - Bye.
- I love you. - Yeah, yeah.
Have a safe flight.
Got the whole neighborhood out to say good-bye, huh?
[ Kim ] Bye, Mom!
Little vampires, my plan worked.
She's gone. Now I can raise you children the way I want to!
[ Sinister Laughter]
Come on. It's gonna be fun. I mean, your dream has come true.
Mom's gone. Weak old Dad is here.
You can get away with murder. You can do anything you want.
Dylan's birthday party is coming up.
You can get all hopped up on ice cream and sugar and cake and go crazy.
[ Tom ] You kids are gonna do great today, I promise.
What is that?
Moo!
[ Laughter ]
I guess he's the funniest guy in the herd.
[ Alarm Blaring ]
[ All Laughing ]
Walk much?
[ Laughing ]
- Hi! - Hey!
- Look at you, Diane. - Look at you. You did not have 1 2 kids.
- Yes, I did. - Girl, I can't even manage a boyfriend.
- Well, who can? Look at this room! - Oh, it's great.
- Isn't it great? - Listen, we've got big plans for the book.
- Really? I'm so-- - Ta-da!
Oh, come on! Look at it!
- Isn't it great? - It's fantastic. I love it. Look at this.
The company wants it in stores by Christmas.
- Christmas? - Yes. So, tomorrow...
the marketing people will bring you up to speed on the book tour.
- A-A book tour? - Yes. We've got talk shows...
book signings, personal appearances.
And it's only gonna take a couple of weeks.
Couple of weeks? Oh, no. I can't be away from the kids that long.
Well, if there's no book tour, then there's no book.
- Two weeks? - Kate...
you've been the primary caregiver for, what, 22 years?
Can't Tom handle the kids for a while?
- ###[ Rock ] - [ Gunner Barking ]
They're all going to end up on milk cartons.
Gil-- Gil, Decker and Rico are playing too loose at the corners.
- We need to pull them in. - [ Beeping ]
Sarah, dishwasher! I'll-I'll come by tomorrow after I drop the kids off at school...
and we can talk out some offense variations.
All right. No, I gotta go. I gotta go.
Dad, Nigel hit Kim with a dart, and I assume he will be punished.
Uh,Jake, get me a Band-Aid, okay? Here, here.
Go stir. You like to stir. Here, let's take a look at it.
Let's take a look, see if it's okay. [ Gasps ]
- Oh, no, I'm just kidding. It's actually not-- - Uh, Dad?
- Yeah? - This goo's on fire.
Oh, no, no. That's the way Daddy likes it! Likes it hot and nice and spicy!
Yeah. Here we go. There we go. Got it. All right.
- Hey, Dad. - Oh, good. Can you get a Band-Aid?
- No need to say hello. - Not one other kid in this neighborhood does chores.
Well, we're not like any other family in the neighborhood.
Right. So, why do we live here?
Dishwasher, now!
Jessica, can you get these plates and put 'em on the table, please?
Oh, God. What the-- Mike's athletic cup?
Ow!
Oh! Pasta de la Crotch.
- Is that blood? - No, it's just a--
[ Vomits ]
Oh! Clean-up on aisle 1 2! Anybody?
You need help cleaning up, Dad? [ Yells ]
- I'm in puke! - Are you all right?
- Still need help cleaning up? - No, you mopped it up enough with your back.
[ Vomits ]
Oh, disgusting! Where's the Band-Aid?
- [ Kim ] Dad, it still hurts. - Oh, here, let me look. Let me look.
Nora, where's that Band--
Jake put a bucket on Jessica's head, and it's stuck.
And when they have a free moment, let my parents know that...
I came by to tell 'em I got a job today at an ad agency.
Nora-- Nora!
- Dad, a little help here.! - Nora!
- Nora.! - [ Gasping ]
[ Yells ]